Grandpa Bob, I love you!

Mom called today to let me know Grandpa Bob had finally passed away this morning.  It has been a long time coming and he was suffering and it has been hard on Grandma and Mom too.  I have been praying that Heavenly Father would take him home, but last night, well, maybe I was more fervent, I dunno...  I just didn't want him to suffer anymore in this life, in his frail body that just hasn't been able to do what it needed. 

On the flip side, this is my Grandpa, my buddy.  'Bampa' was my first word.  When I was little Grandpa was probably my biggest hero, EVER!  In fact, if it hadn't been for the fact that my brother was named for him instead, I may never have forgiven my parents for not naming him Burt Reynolds or the Snowman i.e. Smokey and the Bandit movies.

This is the Grandpa that took me to Burger King every weekend, just he and I.  This is the Grandpa that helped me sell Girl Scout Cookies to everyone he knew, which were a lot of people.  This is the grandpa who built me a sandbox, built things for Girl Scouts, PTA carnivals, stuff for our toys, our room, our house.  This is the Grandpa who danced with me while Lawerence Welk was on, with me standing on his feet.  The Grandpa who taught me how to play cards, and how to cheat at playing cards.  Grandpa taught me Cribbage.  Grandpa would let me sit and read National Geographic with him and when I wouldn't touch a page cause it had an icky spider or snake on it or something else that scared me, he would turn the page for me.  This is the Grandpa that helped me learn to ride a bike, roller skate, make stuff.  He would push me in the swing and recite the poem of the same name...

The Swing

How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
River and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside--

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown--
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down!
 

by--Robert Louis Stevenson  

This is the grandpa who would sing to me...

Playmate (come out and play with me)

 

Say, say, oh playmate,
Come out and play with me
And bring your dollies three
Climb up my apple tree

Shout down my rain barrel
Slide down my cellar door
And we'll be jolly friends
Forever more more more more more

Say, say, oh playmate
I cannot play with you
My dolly's got the flu
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

Ain't got no rain barrel
Ain't got no cellar door
But we'll be jolly friends
Forever more more more more more

Words and music by Saxie Dowell

Now mind you, I may not remember the words exactly, and I had to copy them from online, but just seeing the words brings back so many memories.

This is also the grandpa who helped instill a love for Gene Autry and Marty Robbins, I remember one car ride from Casper to LaGrange where we listened to the Marty Robbins 8-track over and over, we sang along the whole way.  Grandpa tried to teach me to whistle, he taught me all kinds of things.  I was his buddy I remember waiting for him to come home from work so I could spend time with him.  I would call him on the phone, even though we lived right next door.  This is the Grandpa who told me stories of how he worked with Paul Bunyan and his Big Blue Ox, Babe.  I loved Grandpa's stories.  There are so many things I love about my Grandpa.  This is the Grandpa who took me to the fair, and let me take all the time I wanted to look at the animals and the displays.  I remember he even rode rides with me, because I just wasn't big enough to go alone.  What an awesome Grandpa.

Yes, Grandpa is my hero, he is just about as close to perfect as can get, at least anyone I have met--for me, he probably comes in real close to my Savior and my Heavenly Father.

Grandpa, I love you, I miss you, I have for a while because I did not make as much time as I should have to see you.  Please see if they will let you watch over me from heaven, in between all the other stuff they have you do.

Love, B

Contest for Band of Sisters

I am trying to win a copy of a book by a friend and sister in my ward.  I get entries for this post, so I am sharing so if you are interested you can see and enter too.  Annette Lyon is an excellent author and I have read a few of her books.  This new one intrigues me, as I have one brother in the Army who has done two tours in Iraq and one adopted-into-the-family brother in the air force who has been to the sandbox numerous times himself.

http://camicheckettsbooks.blogspot.com/2010/03/book-review-and-giveaway-band-of.html

Is the link for the contest.

Check it out!

A Little Brag on My Bro

For the Blue and Gold Banquet in Pinedale, WY this year, they had a bake sale auction.  Each boy in the pack was encouraged to bring something they had helped make.  RJ really wanted Grandma and me to come up and help him make a really cool cake, but we just couldn't get there, and in fact went to see Great-Grandpa instead.  So the Laing household came up with another plan...

Bring in SUPER SCOUT!!!

Teresa baked the cake for them.  They borrowed a pan from Grandma Chris.  And Bob decorated it with RJ's help.  RJ really wanted a super hero, and the pan is a Wilton Superman pan.  They borrowed the decorating supplies, which has led me to determine that I need to gather up some of my excess supplies and make a basic kit for them.  Which I will be doing, however, I'll have to mail it, or bring it up sometime, because even if I did send it back to Grandma's with mom, they may not have room in the car to take it home...

So I just had to brag about how COOL my brother and nephew are and let you see how marvelous the cake they made is...  They did an awesome job, and in case you were wondering, at the auction the cake went for

$85

WOO HOO!!!

The Home Stretch

I will be having me last round of chemo on Friday, February 26, 2010.  We moved it up because of Grandpa Bob.  I am teaching my class on Saturday, and then mom and I will leave on Sunday.  Last week Grandpa had a doctor's appointment and when he went, he basically had no blood, so they admitted him to the hospital.

What I want to know is why our loverly wonderful government has allowed stupid people to dictate to them what is and is not supposed to happen when someone goes to the hospital.  I mean they were trying to send g'pa home.  The problem was, g'ma doesn't drive, and the cousin who is helping out has to have some advance notice...  Not to mention the BLIZZARD that was going on in Eastern Wyoming and Western Nebraska, causing roads to be less than safe to drive on.  So then, when the doctor signs orderd to move him to another floor for recovery and orders for hospice care, they want my g'ma to still drive over to sign papers...  H-E-L-L-O!?!  Um, if she cannot drive over to pick him up what makes you think she can trek on over to sigh papers.  And NO, she does not have a fax machine, these people are in their 80s, they don't even have a computer, and only have satellite television because other family thrust them into the technical age.  Eventually, the weather did clear up some and the plows managed to get some more sand out on the roads, to make them more drivable and cousin Donny, took g'ma over, so g'pa could see her and she could sign the papers for g'pa to be moved to the other floor.  All because some wise-butt politician somewhere, was convinced by some insurance person that certain treatments only need 'x' amount of time...

Sorry for the rant, but it just makes me crazy.  Same thing basically happens if your insurance company doesn't think you needs a treatment...  Okay, really, trying to step off the soap box.

I will have treatment on Friday, get my shot sometime on Saturday, teach my class on Saturday and prep to head out Sunday.  Sitting in the car will be as easy as sitting in bed (at least that is what I keep telling myself).  Hopefully, Foster can handle it, he has only gone to Bob and T's which is four hours away, g'ma and g'pa's is eight hours, and that is provided the roads are good.

I do have good news, my monthly cycle has tapered and is basically done, I wish I could do cartwheels for this, that is how happy I am about it.  But Dr. Breyer was a little upset with the OB/GYN's office for telling me I needed to take iron.  She said my iron is fine.  I think she get's a little testy when she feels like someone steps into her territory, I think.  But, then again it was her office that insisted I call the OB/GYN's office anyway.  Go figure.

I still am so appreciative of all the prayers and thoughts and well wishes on my behalf.  My dear Daryl got his port yesterday and started his chemo, AGAIN, today, after a long wait on the pharmacy...  So pray for him too.

With love, B

Bald Head

I thought I would post a picture of my mostly bald (yes there are still a few hairs here and there) and rather sore head.

Thanks to everyone who has send hats and scarves and such, they help, so long as they do not scratch and if they scratch, then I itch, and if I itch, it hurts, so I try not to itch...

What is "normal?"

So I am sitting here thinking, I should post an entry about getting back to 'normal.' Then I realize, "what is 'normal,' really?"

So my 'normal' has changed...

My 'normal' is now, can I eat without feeling nauseated, or for that matter, without it completely running the course of my digestive system in as much time as it takes to do a few laps at Daytona.

My 'normal' is now, did I get to sleep easily, with little to no mind wandering, tossing and turning, or massive aches and pains and then did I sleep in some to make up for the lack of rest?

My 'normal' is now feeling the cold wind on my hat or scarf covered head and thinking, "does my brother wear a hat when he is out on patrol? I do not want his head to get cold like this when writing someone a ticket or working an accident scene."

My 'normal' is watching the same TV shows everyday and catching up on episodes of ones I haven't seen or feeling the comfort and familiarity of ones I have seen again and again.

My 'normal' is feeling kind of 'out-of-place' at work because I am there so infrequently, but then having customers who are friends give me hugs and tell me they think of me often and keep my in their prayers.

My 'normal' is taking twice as long to do something and getting worn out five times as fast.

My 'normal' is thinking, this round wasn't as bad as the last and I hope the next time might be easier.

My 'normal' is assuming I am going to be poor for the rest of my life because of medical bills, both mine and my husband's.

My 'normal' is feeling everyday what a blessing this really is and how I feel very lucky they found the cancer so it didn't have time to get worse and make me sicker.

My 'normal' is really 'abnormal' which truly is for me, normal.

Round Two

Today I went for round two of chemo. Okay, so I have been once, so I know what to expect, right? NOT!

First, they had to do blood draws and send them to the lab, because the doctor's office didn't do it yesterday, which I did find a little strange, but what do I know this is the first time I have undergone chemo.

So, while we waited for my labs, the nurse started the pre-meds, zofran [for anti-nausea], a steroid, that I can never remember the name of, benadryl--yay benadryl!!! In case if reaction or rash, who cares it's benadryl!!!

My labs came back and my white blood cell count was a little high, so they thought I might have some type of infection. At the end of my infusion I had to provide a urine sample for them to test and see if I might have a UTI. I had told them that today and one day last week I felt like I had been kicked in the kidneys, so they wondered. I'll find out about that tomorrow.

The reason I'll find out tomorrow is, I have to go back and get a shot of Nulasta? I think that is what it is called, it is to help keep my white cell count in the appropriate range. I'm still learning as I go. But still it is a shot, ugh, I don't want to get a shot.... Whaaaaaaa!

Okay, sob story over.

I feel okay, took a nap today during treatment, until the machine started beeping, I so love that machine, it is such a nice beep that it makes when the medicine runs out or there is a kink or block in the line... NOT!!!

Mom took me and stayed a bit, and James came later and stayed with me and brought me home. I'm still feeling okay, thought I think bedtime will be coming soon. I just wish my ankles would quit hurting. That seem to be the worst part, so far...

Had a nice lunch, chicken breast with melted cheese and mushrooms, wild rice pilaf, mixed veggies, with green beans, orange and yellow carrots, red peppers, a fruit cup with pineapple and fruit I am not completely familiar with, but tasted good just the same, a wheat roll, cran-raspberry juice, and vanilla/chocolate pudding cup. My favorite part of the whole meal, the pudding cup! Than I had graham crackers, Oreos, and vanilla sandwich cookies later on with some orange juice. Everything was pretty tasty, thus far. Mom made red-ronies, or glop, or what ever you want to call it, pasta noodles (she couldn't find the elbow macaroni) with ground beef and tomato sauce, it was good. We also had green beans, salad, and I had some celery with cream cheese, which is the best way I know to make celery unhealthy! So I ate pretty well today, hope I can eat tomorrow, or it will be saltines, applesauce and milk, which is all okay, but not necessarily the best of nutrition.

Okay, I think I have sufficiently babbled enough, I am going to put my feet up, cause my ankles hurt. I know they said the herceptin can make my feet and hands swell, but this pain in my ankles, It's like I have been standing all day.

"So what we're gonna do is..."

***Please note there is some bodily functions mentioned in this post and if you are not comfortable reading it, I completely understand. Remember this is therapeutic for me too, and it helps me to get all of this out.

I remember a Jeff Foxworthy joke starting this way. And that is truly where my mind goes when I consider that they put massive amounts of toxic chemicals into my body to be sure I will not have a return of the breast cancer. If I don't laugh I'm going to cry, right?

But seriously, the first patient that the doctors told about filling their body with toxic chemicals to get rid of the cancer cells, can you just imagine what they could have been thinking?

"So, what we are going to do is, pump you full of chemicals we would not wish upon our mother-in-laws or red-headed step-children. These chemicals we would never consider giving you if you were healthy, cause they could KILL you. The side effects are going to make you feel even worse than you did before, like nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, dizziness, fatigue, body aches--as in parts of your body you didn't even realize existed will ache, sweating, urine in bright nearly fluorescent colors, etc. Plus you still have to eat and drink, especially drink, lots of water, but it is going to taste absolutely wretched and your tongue is going to feel like it has a film of setting concrete on it. Nothing will taste right and you are always going to feel like you are going to throw-up everything you have eaten over the course of the last five years.

So officially, my first chemo was on Tuesday, December 29, 2009. That day went okay, I spent the day at IV Therapy, receiving my treatment, three types of chemo, anti-nausea medicine, a steroid, and saline... I came home and went to sleep for a while.

Wednesday, Jill was sweet enough to cut my hair, so it is not forever long when and if it falls out... But other then that, I slept, and that was still between pain pills and anti-nausea pills...

Thursday, okay, New Year's Eve, I still didn't do anything... Except hold my pillow down like a pro. I've gotten to be quite the expert at that. And request strange things to eat, at least according to mom. I figure if it sounds good, let me eat it, at least I am eating then.

Friday, New Year's Day, wave after wave, and I am not talking about the royalty from the Rose Parade... The nausea came and went but I discovered if I drink fluids that are either icy cold, or hot, well then they do not taste as bad, still taste funny, and sometimes bad, but not AS bad. Room temperature is killer. I was scheduled to go to work, but I could barely sit up, let alone stand or drive... Oops. Thank heavens for understanding co-workers and people who watch out for me. In fact, they even called to see if I would be able to work the next day, and I thought, I better be safe than sorry, good thing too, cause last night seemed like my worst night.

Welcome, 4 AM, and a stomach that when generally healthy, tends to suffer from multiple night trips to the potty. I have been blessed form time to time with my mommy's tummy troubles, but this time, let's add the loverly side effects of chemo drugs.

I had one of those great moments where you are poised a top the throne and know, if you move to throw up, that is going to be detrimental to the cleanliness of the bathroom that you will be in no mood to clean up the aftermath. So there I am, hugging the garbage can in the bathroom, a chrome beauty, with holes in the side and thankfully double lined! Now, by that time, I didn't have much to throw up but yucky stomach acid, that amazingly enough was bright yellow, oh yay, no radiation, but apparently I can glow now too!

After that round, a trip upstairs for tea, to help settle things, swallowing a pill, returning to the potty for round two, losing the pill I just swallowed, and having my insides feel like they were turned inside out, I crawled into the shower and figured if all else I would just sit on the floor and let the water run on me, I mean it was only five in the morning, no biggie.

I did stand under the water, leaned on the ledge, sat on the bench, knelt on the floor, and was just happy to have the water take away some of my aches. I did manage to get back to sleep and get some more rest (which mom thinks is amazing given the two and five year-olds in the house).

I have been able to do a little bit more today besides hold my pillow down at which I've always been very adept at, but am becoming more so. I am trying to eat things and get over whether they taste good or not. The other major issue for me is smells.

The biggest smell that is in issue for me is actually me. My waste, in all it's various forms, smells icky, I know it is the medicine, but it is still icky. So sweat, urine, feces, doesn't matter it all looks and smells weird.

Tonight I sit here and am awaiting the bruschetta marinade pork for dinner and hope it will taste okay. If nothing else there is always applesauce and toast or crackers. I've noticed I like drinking milk again too. Maybe this will be good for my calcium levels, who knows. I will admit even a salad sounds potentially good right now, but by the time I got it and started to eat, my taste buds may change their minds.

Have a happy new year everyone! Thanks again for all those wonderful prayers and such. Please keep them coming, if for nothing else than to stave off the nausea and acid-reflux... which is a whole other story...