Life in Perspective

In 1988-89 I was a seventh grader in Laramie, Wyoming.  Now there were other kids who were also twelve and thirteen years old and seventh graders as well, but somehow, in certain instances I felt like I was the only one in my situation.

I had moved from Casper to Laramie and started junior high with a new step-dad all in one fell swoop it seemed.  Being a preteen/teenager, I was also going through changes of other kinds and sometimes that made life very difficult.  Again, I often felt like I was the only one...  Then see me get a lead in a chorus class play and another girl be upset about that.  See me, the new girl trying to make friends, and the jealous girl start calling me names...  Back then, it was hell, but I can look back and see that even though it hurt, maybe she hurt more and that is why she did it?

Now fast forward through the years and there have been a number of instances where I have felt like no one could possibly know how I feel or what I am going through...  I again feel all alone in my experiences and try to hide my true feelings behind the "I'm fine/good/okay/Life is good" so no one really knows the truth.

That brings me to the last little while, two years ago I was going through cancer treatments, chemo every three weeks, losing my hair in the cold of winter, and wondering what to do about a reconstructive breast surgery.  Then the last several months of having my J in the hospital more than he has been home, watching him lose oxygen and not be able to breathe and being awakened by early morning phone calls telling me he is not doing well and can I get to the hospital right away?  Wondering is he is going to live, albeit a poor quality of life, or if he is going to suffer until he finally passes.  To yesterday when I find that someone I've known from ages ago was in so much pain that she chose to leave this life.  My heart hurts for the family, specifically the daughters she left behind.  I am reminded by the outpouring of love on her facebook page that life is precious and no matter how much you hurt there is likely someone who loves you.

So here I sit and think about the girl who helped alienate me in seventh grade by calling me names.  But now I realize that that may have been a defense mechanism back then to cover her own hurt.  I think about how I am glad we reconnected on fb and tried to heal old hurts and realize we had more similarities than than differences.  I think about how my own depression has plagued me and realize I am on the right track to make sure I do not make similar choices.

I am heartbroken, for her, for her daughters, for her family, for me.  I want to try to be safe, to be whole, to heal.  I hope that I can feel the comfort and peace that perhaps she was missing.  I am often frightened of what point one must reach to finally choose suicide to living in pain.  I have told a few people about the pictures or movies I see in my head.  It's the only way I can explain it.  But I see myself harming myself in these 'movies' and it truly scares me.  I often believe it is Satan, pushing my buttons, hitting all my weak spots...

Yesterday's revelation about my friend, not just finding out about her death, but seeing the outpouring of love made me reaffirm that I want to be healthy, I want to not hurt myself, but I especially do not want to hurt others.

Please, if you read this, and you can see some of yourself in this message, talk to someone, anyone, find help, talk to a doctor, talk to a friend, talk to a church member, talk to someone...  Know that you are not alone, no matter how hard everything seems, no matter how dismal the outlook is and how ending it seems preferable, think about whom you might be leaving behind and how much it might hurt them.  Then perhaps your hurt might not seem so bad.