Day five: a Place

At first, I wasn't totally sure what to put for a place... And then it came to me...

What place do I love?

What place do I want to be?

What place has my heart?

What place shaped me?

Can you answer these questions?

Well, if not I will tell you anyway...

WYOMING

Yeppers, my HOME state!

2001 Official State Map of Wyoming

The thing is, it kinda encompasses a lot of little places that mean so much to me. 

• I was born in Casper... 
• I lived in Mills, right by where the Mormon Ferry was run at Fort Caspar. 
• I loved going to Grammy and Papa's house in LaGrange. 
• I loved to stop at Fort Laramie and see the old historical site.
• My daddy took me fishing at Alcova Reservoir, and Pathfinder Reservoir.
• We moved to Laramie, that is where I met my sweetheart, James.
• I had family all over the state.
• I have family all over the state now...
• And some of my favorite people live there...

I am so very grateful to this place. It shaped me. It calls to me. I miss my state. I will always be grateful  for meeting my love there. I want to go back. I want to be near my nieces and nephews since I do not have any children of my own. I crave the love they give me... Someday soon...

Day four: a favorite snack

This is not an entirely easy one to post about... I L-O-V-E food! I love to eat! I have some major favorites, but I have my old standbys too. I picked two things for this day... Let's just say I am grateful to live in a free country where I can generally find these items...

Maybe this one is more snack,just baked out of the oven, but I also like the cold leftover, outta the fridge, no reheating... Dunno why, but I love it. And this has been my favorite kind since I was a kid...

Yep, Tombstone Canadian Bacon Pizza... It is my absolute favorite, even better than restaurant. It's hard to come by sometimes though, so I am always happy when I find it. And ever grateful that there are other toppings to pizza BESIDES pepperoni.

One of my other favorites (again since childhood--and even since having worked at DQ) is the Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen... I love them, the fudge, the Spanish peanuts, the fluffy ice cream.... I am drooling just thinking about it... And even after working at DQ for a while and making these, I am not sick of them... I just love them...

I am grateful I don't have food allergies and maybe these are not the healthiest of treats/snacks/food whatever... But I am grateful when I can indulge in these...

Day three: a cozy place in your home

Well, if you know me, you will know that my favorite place to be at home is in bed... Mom says I could sleep my life away, or sleep through the end of the world, whichever, I am good.

I would like a new mattress I think, but really, I love my bed.

I can sit on it and do things.

I can sleep on it.

I can cuddle with my Foster on it. 

I have my animals on it.

I watch TV from it.

I have crafted on it.

I have read while on or in it.

I stack stuff on it.

I have memories of cuddling with my Jamus on it.

I dream while sleeping in it. This includes dreams of my Jamus.

And right now it has the sweetest bedding set on it, Wyoming Cowboys!!!! (WOOT, they even beat the CSU Rams today and kept the Boot---oh coveted boot from the "Border War").

The only other place I might consider cozy right now might be my chair, or J's chair... And right now I cannot sit in either... So cozy bed it is... (Pix to follow).

Day two: an animal

It would be to everyone's displeasure if I didn't put my little dog here, right?

Can I put more than one?

Wait, what's that?

This is my blog.

OH YEAH!!!

Then I CAN put more than one!

HOORAY!!!!!

The first dog in my life was Punkin. Mom got her as a puppy while she was pregnant with me. I grew up with Punkin. She and I hid together during thunderstorms. She was very protective of her family, this meant her mom and her kids mostly.

We had to let Grandpa Bob put Punkin down when I was 14. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. She was a sibling, even if she was furry.

I also had Little Bit and Puppy that I grew up with... But they were Grandma and Grandpa's (technically Puppy was mom's, but he lived at Grandma's house).

Later, the summer after I graduated from high school, we got Rascal. Again, a sibling for me. Rascal, he was one of a kind, after he was made, they broke the mold. All the great times with Rascal make me happy. I am glad James got to be with him at the end of his time, and now I am certain Rascal is with James, doing whatever work has to be done.

Can I come in?

This is my baby and I love him

James and Rascal

That brings me to my four-year-old, Foster. Foster McShadow was acquired in July of 2008. He was his daddy's pride and joy. He can also be a momma's boy (and we are especially grateful he had his grandma during important formative times, or he would be very ill-mannered (he has traits I would like to get rid of).

Baby Foster

What's that?

Puppy loves his mommy

Grandma, I am not on the couch, I am on my daddy...

snuggled in bed

Rug-o-war with dad

Concentrating on the ball

I also have Kini (short for Illukini). Kini is my brother, Dale's, dog. Dale, Cindy, J2 and Shinook are in Korea and should be home in January or February, I think. Kini has been here with me since they went almost three years ago. Sometimes I feel like he gets neglected more than he should. But he is ever loving and sweet to me. I often call him Kini-beaners or just Beaners, or Bean-Bean... Foster and Kini cannot be together in the house. But they still wanna be together sometimes, and one often gets jealous of the other.

 

Cuddles with Aunt B

laying with Aunt B

Aunt B, I'm sleepin' here

Uncle Jimmy's O2 hose is caught on my nose...

Cone of Shame :(

The biggest reason I am so thankful for the dogs, is they have taught me unconditional love. I am especially grateful for Foster and Kini these last several months, because, had I not had to get up outta bed to let them out and let them in, and feed them and water them, well, there are days I would never have gotten out of bed. They've been my rescuers so to speak.

Sometimes I do think life might be easier without them, but it would be far emptier. I also know that sometimes I think James communicates to me through Foster and Kini. Foster always brings me his ball when I cry, for there is no crying in baseBALL. But he gives me loves and shows me he needs me but not only that, I also need him.

So, my dogs, those are the animals I am thankful for.

Life in Perspective

In 1988-89 I was a seventh grader in Laramie, Wyoming.  Now there were other kids who were also twelve and thirteen years old and seventh graders as well, but somehow, in certain instances I felt like I was the only one in my situation.

I had moved from Casper to Laramie and started junior high with a new step-dad all in one fell swoop it seemed.  Being a preteen/teenager, I was also going through changes of other kinds and sometimes that made life very difficult.  Again, I often felt like I was the only one...  Then see me get a lead in a chorus class play and another girl be upset about that.  See me, the new girl trying to make friends, and the jealous girl start calling me names...  Back then, it was hell, but I can look back and see that even though it hurt, maybe she hurt more and that is why she did it?

Now fast forward through the years and there have been a number of instances where I have felt like no one could possibly know how I feel or what I am going through...  I again feel all alone in my experiences and try to hide my true feelings behind the "I'm fine/good/okay/Life is good" so no one really knows the truth.

That brings me to the last little while, two years ago I was going through cancer treatments, chemo every three weeks, losing my hair in the cold of winter, and wondering what to do about a reconstructive breast surgery.  Then the last several months of having my J in the hospital more than he has been home, watching him lose oxygen and not be able to breathe and being awakened by early morning phone calls telling me he is not doing well and can I get to the hospital right away?  Wondering is he is going to live, albeit a poor quality of life, or if he is going to suffer until he finally passes.  To yesterday when I find that someone I've known from ages ago was in so much pain that she chose to leave this life.  My heart hurts for the family, specifically the daughters she left behind.  I am reminded by the outpouring of love on her facebook page that life is precious and no matter how much you hurt there is likely someone who loves you.

So here I sit and think about the girl who helped alienate me in seventh grade by calling me names.  But now I realize that that may have been a defense mechanism back then to cover her own hurt.  I think about how I am glad we reconnected on fb and tried to heal old hurts and realize we had more similarities than than differences.  I think about how my own depression has plagued me and realize I am on the right track to make sure I do not make similar choices.

I am heartbroken, for her, for her daughters, for her family, for me.  I want to try to be safe, to be whole, to heal.  I hope that I can feel the comfort and peace that perhaps she was missing.  I am often frightened of what point one must reach to finally choose suicide to living in pain.  I have told a few people about the pictures or movies I see in my head.  It's the only way I can explain it.  But I see myself harming myself in these 'movies' and it truly scares me.  I often believe it is Satan, pushing my buttons, hitting all my weak spots...

Yesterday's revelation about my friend, not just finding out about her death, but seeing the outpouring of love made me reaffirm that I want to be healthy, I want to not hurt myself, but I especially do not want to hurt others.

Please, if you read this, and you can see some of yourself in this message, talk to someone, anyone, find help, talk to a doctor, talk to a friend, talk to a church member, talk to someone...  Know that you are not alone, no matter how hard everything seems, no matter how dismal the outlook is and how ending it seems preferable, think about whom you might be leaving behind and how much it might hurt them.  Then perhaps your hurt might not seem so bad.