Heartache, S.A.D., and Pulling Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps...

I haven't blogged in so long, it's almost as though I've forgotten how... I feel the same way about writing in my journal. Either way, I had an urge to sit down and write some stuff out, to see if it would help me put a focus on how I have been feeling.

I should have checked to see when my last blog post actually was, to kind of fill in what has happened since then. But I didn't, oops... Hang on, BRB;

I'm baa-aack...

So, I did post that my sweetheart passed away. That's good, at least that is documented, and I tried to do a gratitude thing, that lasted a short time, LOL, so, now... I am just gonna get some stuff out, feel free to skip any of this if you are bored.

I had no idea that being a widow would be so hard. I had no idea that I would miss James so very much. I've seen other people grieving, having a hard time, and felt bad for them, but, I never would have thought I would have such a difficult time. Even if someone had sat me down, told me, made sure I was comprehending how difficult it was going to be would I have necessarily believed it would be so hard.

Now, I have to point out that I live with depression (if not a mild case of bi-polar). I take medication, I try to be good at it, but sometimes I am a total slacker about taking it. I also have Seasonal Affectation Disorder (S.A.D.), so winter months are even more difficult for me. That being said, piling grief on top of that, my second set of holidays being far more difficult than the first set without James here, and now seeing my store go out of business, it's almost more than I can take.

Side note: Archiver's, the scrapbooking and paper craft store where I have worked for six years, is going out of business. We knew it was a possibility, the store closing. That didn't help with everything else I was already dealing with, getting through the holidays, the fear of the unknown. But finding out for sure that it was the end of Archiver's, on New Year's Day, no less, well, it's no wonder I feel like sitting and just flat out crying, all of the time. It's also quite amazing I haven't completely gone off the deep end.

So, between actual physical illness, mental illness (ha ha), day-to-day living, traumas (no how big or small) I've had it in some ways. I joke that I am the happiest depressed person I know, but the last few weeks have been rough. As much as I try to keep on the happy face and keep positive, it feels like it is getting harder and harder. Thoughts creep into my head that I hate to even admit to having, but there they are. So, I have thoughts about an end, about hurting myself, about not existing... I have never acted on these thoughts, although they make me very sad and they tend to bring me down even more. I tell Satan to get out of my head, that he is not welcome there. I have faith, I do, but somedays, I just feel lost...

I am trying to make a difference for myself. There are some people who tell me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and carry on, that tends to make me feel worse as well. Then I spend days when I don't work in bed, with Foster, watching TV. That in turn makes me feel worse because I didn't get anything constructive done. So, I have this vicious cycle of self-loathing, no self-esteem, depression, sadness, pain, etc.

I thought if I wrote out a bunch of this, it would help me get some things into perspective, maybe even figure out why I feel like I want to sit and cry. It is so crazy to have this feeling, and not be able to pinpoint why.

I want to just shout like Stewie from Family Guy "I don't like change!" Because it's true, but I keep telling myself, this is the kick in the pants I need to do something different. I have loved working at Archiver's, it is the longest job I have ever had. These girls are like my family. I have so many friends I have made while working there, customers whom I love dearly! They've seen me through all the hard stuff, breast cancer and treatment, James's illness and passing, the aftermath of grief. What am I going to do? That's the question everybody asks me too, what are you going to do? I wish I knew. I have some ideas, I have some hopes and wishes, but honestly I wish I knew.

Just know, depression is not something you can just snap out of, try as you might, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Trust me I would have done it long ago if that were the case. My brain is wired funny. I takes meds to help rewire it and make things run smoothly. Perhaps it is time to change meds again, although I have no idea what I would try, because I've been on all of them it seems. The one I am on right now, it's working, it would work better if I didn't forget sometimes, or if I took it at the same time everyday, but I am still me, and sometimes I am lucky to have my head attached. I will still smile, even if I want to cry, I will still curl up in bed with Foster rather than vacuum or do dishes.

I do want my crafty back, I am hoping it will help me with some potential income, teaching classes or holding events. I have some cakes in my future, some more immediate than others, but that helps with the crafty. I have gotten things accomplished, but have more to do. I need to celebrate my accomplishments no matter how small, like getting the trash cans out to the curb for the trash pick-up. I need to quit beating myself up for not getting things done, because it just makes me feel worse, and then even less gets done.

I do know, I could be doing a lot worse were it not for others who think about me, pray for me, send me good vibes and positive thoughts... Were it not for the caring and compassion of others, I would be far worse off. Thank you to those that do, I appreciate it more than you know.

Life in Perspective

In 1988-89 I was a seventh grader in Laramie, Wyoming.  Now there were other kids who were also twelve and thirteen years old and seventh graders as well, but somehow, in certain instances I felt like I was the only one in my situation.

I had moved from Casper to Laramie and started junior high with a new step-dad all in one fell swoop it seemed.  Being a preteen/teenager, I was also going through changes of other kinds and sometimes that made life very difficult.  Again, I often felt like I was the only one...  Then see me get a lead in a chorus class play and another girl be upset about that.  See me, the new girl trying to make friends, and the jealous girl start calling me names...  Back then, it was hell, but I can look back and see that even though it hurt, maybe she hurt more and that is why she did it?

Now fast forward through the years and there have been a number of instances where I have felt like no one could possibly know how I feel or what I am going through...  I again feel all alone in my experiences and try to hide my true feelings behind the "I'm fine/good/okay/Life is good" so no one really knows the truth.

That brings me to the last little while, two years ago I was going through cancer treatments, chemo every three weeks, losing my hair in the cold of winter, and wondering what to do about a reconstructive breast surgery.  Then the last several months of having my J in the hospital more than he has been home, watching him lose oxygen and not be able to breathe and being awakened by early morning phone calls telling me he is not doing well and can I get to the hospital right away?  Wondering is he is going to live, albeit a poor quality of life, or if he is going to suffer until he finally passes.  To yesterday when I find that someone I've known from ages ago was in so much pain that she chose to leave this life.  My heart hurts for the family, specifically the daughters she left behind.  I am reminded by the outpouring of love on her facebook page that life is precious and no matter how much you hurt there is likely someone who loves you.

So here I sit and think about the girl who helped alienate me in seventh grade by calling me names.  But now I realize that that may have been a defense mechanism back then to cover her own hurt.  I think about how I am glad we reconnected on fb and tried to heal old hurts and realize we had more similarities than than differences.  I think about how my own depression has plagued me and realize I am on the right track to make sure I do not make similar choices.

I am heartbroken, for her, for her daughters, for her family, for me.  I want to try to be safe, to be whole, to heal.  I hope that I can feel the comfort and peace that perhaps she was missing.  I am often frightened of what point one must reach to finally choose suicide to living in pain.  I have told a few people about the pictures or movies I see in my head.  It's the only way I can explain it.  But I see myself harming myself in these 'movies' and it truly scares me.  I often believe it is Satan, pushing my buttons, hitting all my weak spots...

Yesterday's revelation about my friend, not just finding out about her death, but seeing the outpouring of love made me reaffirm that I want to be healthy, I want to not hurt myself, but I especially do not want to hurt others.

Please, if you read this, and you can see some of yourself in this message, talk to someone, anyone, find help, talk to a doctor, talk to a friend, talk to a church member, talk to someone...  Know that you are not alone, no matter how hard everything seems, no matter how dismal the outlook is and how ending it seems preferable, think about whom you might be leaving behind and how much it might hurt them.  Then perhaps your hurt might not seem so bad.