Heartache, S.A.D., and Pulling Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps...

I haven't blogged in so long, it's almost as though I've forgotten how... I feel the same way about writing in my journal. Either way, I had an urge to sit down and write some stuff out, to see if it would help me put a focus on how I have been feeling.

I should have checked to see when my last blog post actually was, to kind of fill in what has happened since then. But I didn't, oops... Hang on, BRB;

I'm baa-aack...

So, I did post that my sweetheart passed away. That's good, at least that is documented, and I tried to do a gratitude thing, that lasted a short time, LOL, so, now... I am just gonna get some stuff out, feel free to skip any of this if you are bored.

I had no idea that being a widow would be so hard. I had no idea that I would miss James so very much. I've seen other people grieving, having a hard time, and felt bad for them, but, I never would have thought I would have such a difficult time. Even if someone had sat me down, told me, made sure I was comprehending how difficult it was going to be would I have necessarily believed it would be so hard.

Now, I have to point out that I live with depression (if not a mild case of bi-polar). I take medication, I try to be good at it, but sometimes I am a total slacker about taking it. I also have Seasonal Affectation Disorder (S.A.D.), so winter months are even more difficult for me. That being said, piling grief on top of that, my second set of holidays being far more difficult than the first set without James here, and now seeing my store go out of business, it's almost more than I can take.

Side note: Archiver's, the scrapbooking and paper craft store where I have worked for six years, is going out of business. We knew it was a possibility, the store closing. That didn't help with everything else I was already dealing with, getting through the holidays, the fear of the unknown. But finding out for sure that it was the end of Archiver's, on New Year's Day, no less, well, it's no wonder I feel like sitting and just flat out crying, all of the time. It's also quite amazing I haven't completely gone off the deep end.

So, between actual physical illness, mental illness (ha ha), day-to-day living, traumas (no how big or small) I've had it in some ways. I joke that I am the happiest depressed person I know, but the last few weeks have been rough. As much as I try to keep on the happy face and keep positive, it feels like it is getting harder and harder. Thoughts creep into my head that I hate to even admit to having, but there they are. So, I have thoughts about an end, about hurting myself, about not existing... I have never acted on these thoughts, although they make me very sad and they tend to bring me down even more. I tell Satan to get out of my head, that he is not welcome there. I have faith, I do, but somedays, I just feel lost...

I am trying to make a difference for myself. There are some people who tell me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and carry on, that tends to make me feel worse as well. Then I spend days when I don't work in bed, with Foster, watching TV. That in turn makes me feel worse because I didn't get anything constructive done. So, I have this vicious cycle of self-loathing, no self-esteem, depression, sadness, pain, etc.

I thought if I wrote out a bunch of this, it would help me get some things into perspective, maybe even figure out why I feel like I want to sit and cry. It is so crazy to have this feeling, and not be able to pinpoint why.

I want to just shout like Stewie from Family Guy "I don't like change!" Because it's true, but I keep telling myself, this is the kick in the pants I need to do something different. I have loved working at Archiver's, it is the longest job I have ever had. These girls are like my family. I have so many friends I have made while working there, customers whom I love dearly! They've seen me through all the hard stuff, breast cancer and treatment, James's illness and passing, the aftermath of grief. What am I going to do? That's the question everybody asks me too, what are you going to do? I wish I knew. I have some ideas, I have some hopes and wishes, but honestly I wish I knew.

Just know, depression is not something you can just snap out of, try as you might, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Trust me I would have done it long ago if that were the case. My brain is wired funny. I takes meds to help rewire it and make things run smoothly. Perhaps it is time to change meds again, although I have no idea what I would try, because I've been on all of them it seems. The one I am on right now, it's working, it would work better if I didn't forget sometimes, or if I took it at the same time everyday, but I am still me, and sometimes I am lucky to have my head attached. I will still smile, even if I want to cry, I will still curl up in bed with Foster rather than vacuum or do dishes.

I do want my crafty back, I am hoping it will help me with some potential income, teaching classes or holding events. I have some cakes in my future, some more immediate than others, but that helps with the crafty. I have gotten things accomplished, but have more to do. I need to celebrate my accomplishments no matter how small, like getting the trash cans out to the curb for the trash pick-up. I need to quit beating myself up for not getting things done, because it just makes me feel worse, and then even less gets done.

I do know, I could be doing a lot worse were it not for others who think about me, pray for me, send me good vibes and positive thoughts... Were it not for the caring and compassion of others, I would be far worse off. Thank you to those that do, I appreciate it more than you know.

I Can't, I'm sick

I was talking to Bob last night and he said Donna was sick. He told me about Teresa having made some chicken noodle soup and trying to get Donna to come eat it, Donna's response, I can't, I'm sick. So I decided I'm going with that too.

I can't, I'm sick.

I finished the Pirate Princess cake for my friend's daughter, after staying up all night and driving to Park City to set it up and finish it. I figure it took me 30 hours-ish to do the cake. But staying up all night was not a good thing.

I've got some kind of cold or something now--I suppose it is only fair as the weather was trying hard to give us our first snow in the valley. It only makes sense I come down with something. That and we turned the heat on, so that first few times the heater kicks on, it always wreaks havoc on me and my sinuses.

So here I sit, trying not to fall over, cause my ear hurts, popping my ears, and trying not to gag on whatever is draining from my sinuses down the back of my throat.

In the meantime, I think I'll go back to bed. I think it will make me feel better, although at some point I'll have to wash some of James' work clothes, as well as the whites. Oh, that reminds me, I think I have towels in the washer, hope they aren't mildewy, I guess I'll have to run them through again.

For you in the meantime, check out the latest cakes on the Sweet Sue Honey B blog.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, Donna did eat her soup, and then she asked her daddy what he was eating (he was actually cutting up his antelope). He told her he was eating meatballs and held out a piece to her, at which point she again said, I can't, I'm sick. But when he took a bite from his cookie, she said, oooh cookie.

Until next time...

Newborn, Nephew and Niece

We got to Pinedale on Friday night. It was a pretty decent drive, considering the weather was supposed to be a lot worse. I saw several herd of deer, an enormous herd of antelope, and lots of dead deer along the side of the road. I also saw a few bunnies.

Yesterday (Saturday) Donna was my buddy most of the day. She's quite a character and if you can actually get the binky out of her mouth she can be sort of chatty. We played and we colored and she ate chicken.

Poor RJ though, he woke up at 6 am not feeling well, had a fever. Then around 9 am he was throwing up, Teresa was hollering at me to come get Donna cause she was in the thick of it (not literally--but she wanted to see what was going on). He came out and laid in the recliner chair. He did throw up again later, poor guy. He felt pretty miserable yesterday. He's feeling a ton better today.

I think one of the best parts of yesterday was holding Mackenzie though, that or watching her sleep with Uncle James, he held her for a long time. She just laid on his chest and slept. It was very sweet. It's funny because the first time I offered for him to hold Mackenzie, he didn't want to, he was scared to, but then when he finally held her, well then he wanted to keep her. Once he even took her from me, telling her what a beautiful baby she is, it was very sweet.

Then there was Donna taking Uncle James's nose, she did it twice, it was cute. Even when Uncle James told RJ he loved him, RJ said it back. Uncle James has needed his loves from his kidlets, it helps make him feel better.

Then today (Sunday) Donna was so sweet, she kept wanting to give baby kisses. She's go up, put her lips on Kenzie's head and then pull back and make a smacking sound with her lips. She's so sweet she loves her baby sister. Then she had me put just a little bit of make-up on her, so she was pretty (I hardly put anything on her, plus it was hard to put lipstick on her since she had slobbery lips from her bink being in her mouth--but she thought I put it on, so that's what counts).

RJ is playing his new Star Wars Lego game in his room and we are watching a movie. I know at some point we have to head out for home, but I am not sure when that will be...

Apparently mom bought matching Easter dresses for the girls in St. George. She said they have pink eyelet and little flowers and are just little cotton dresses that are cute, not frilly. She sounded excited.

Anyway, I've rambled quite a bit here but I wanted to write some of this down. Anyway, I say anyway way too much, but maybe that is a topic for another post, another day.

Until next time...