I haven't blogged in so long, it's almost as though I've forgotten how... I feel the same way about writing in my journal. Either way, I had an urge to sit down and write some stuff out, to see if it would help me put a focus on how I have been feeling.
I should have checked to see when my last blog post actually was, to kind of fill in what has happened since then. But I didn't, oops... Hang on, BRB;
I'm baa-aack...
So, I did post that my sweetheart passed away. That's good, at least that is documented, and I tried to do a gratitude thing, that lasted a short time, LOL, so, now... I am just gonna get some stuff out, feel free to skip any of this if you are bored.
I had no idea that being a widow would be so hard. I had no idea that I would miss James so very much. I've seen other people grieving, having a hard time, and felt bad for them, but, I never would have thought I would have such a difficult time. Even if someone had sat me down, told me, made sure I was comprehending how difficult it was going to be would I have necessarily believed it would be so hard.
Now, I have to point out that I live with depression (if not a mild case of bi-polar). I take medication, I try to be good at it, but sometimes I am a total slacker about taking it. I also have Seasonal Affectation Disorder (S.A.D.), so winter months are even more difficult for me. That being said, piling grief on top of that, my second set of holidays being far more difficult than the first set without James here, and now seeing my store go out of business, it's almost more than I can take.
Side note: Archiver's, the scrapbooking and paper craft store where I have worked for six years, is going out of business. We knew it was a possibility, the store closing. That didn't help with everything else I was already dealing with, getting through the holidays, the fear of the unknown. But finding out for sure that it was the end of Archiver's, on New Year's Day, no less, well, it's no wonder I feel like sitting and just flat out crying, all of the time. It's also quite amazing I haven't completely gone off the deep end.
So, between actual physical illness, mental illness (ha ha), day-to-day living, traumas (no how big or small) I've had it in some ways. I joke that I am the happiest depressed person I know, but the last few weeks have been rough. As much as I try to keep on the happy face and keep positive, it feels like it is getting harder and harder. Thoughts creep into my head that I hate to even admit to having, but there they are. So, I have thoughts about an end, about hurting myself, about not existing... I have never acted on these thoughts, although they make me very sad and they tend to bring me down even more. I tell Satan to get out of my head, that he is not welcome there. I have faith, I do, but somedays, I just feel lost...
I am trying to make a difference for myself. There are some people who tell me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and carry on, that tends to make me feel worse as well. Then I spend days when I don't work in bed, with Foster, watching TV. That in turn makes me feel worse because I didn't get anything constructive done. So, I have this vicious cycle of self-loathing, no self-esteem, depression, sadness, pain, etc.
I thought if I wrote out a bunch of this, it would help me get some things into perspective, maybe even figure out why I feel like I want to sit and cry. It is so crazy to have this feeling, and not be able to pinpoint why.
I want to just shout like Stewie from Family Guy "I don't like change!" Because it's true, but I keep telling myself, this is the kick in the pants I need to do something different. I have loved working at Archiver's, it is the longest job I have ever had. These girls are like my family. I have so many friends I have made while working there, customers whom I love dearly! They've seen me through all the hard stuff, breast cancer and treatment, James's illness and passing, the aftermath of grief. What am I going to do? That's the question everybody asks me too, what are you going to do? I wish I knew. I have some ideas, I have some hopes and wishes, but honestly I wish I knew.
Just know, depression is not something you can just snap out of, try as you might, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Trust me I would have done it long ago if that were the case. My brain is wired funny. I takes meds to help rewire it and make things run smoothly. Perhaps it is time to change meds again, although I have no idea what I would try, because I've been on all of them it seems. The one I am on right now, it's working, it would work better if I didn't forget sometimes, or if I took it at the same time everyday, but I am still me, and sometimes I am lucky to have my head attached. I will still smile, even if I want to cry, I will still curl up in bed with Foster rather than vacuum or do dishes.
I do want my crafty back, I am hoping it will help me with some potential income, teaching classes or holding events. I have some cakes in my future, some more immediate than others, but that helps with the crafty. I have gotten things accomplished, but have more to do. I need to celebrate my accomplishments no matter how small, like getting the trash cans out to the curb for the trash pick-up. I need to quit beating myself up for not getting things done, because it just makes me feel worse, and then even less gets done.
I do know, I could be doing a lot worse were it not for others who think about me, pray for me, send me good vibes and positive thoughts... Were it not for the caring and compassion of others, I would be far worse off. Thank you to those that do, I appreciate it more than you know.
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