New Year, New Challenges?

Obviously my life has been around and around and up and down the last several years. Even of late, I am still experiencing physical and mental issues that make some days a lot harder to deal with than others. Today, I even had to just not face the day, I couldn't do it, I just couldn't.

But that leads me to maybe I need to make a change, not sure what or why, or anything like that, but I am going to begin with something small (ish). I want to blog, I just feel the need. Whether or not anyone actually reads it, I don't necessarily care, but I am going to do it. A little bit of everything, cakes, crafting, good vs. bad days, just everything.

So, here is my attempt, my attempt at trying to make changes to my life. Something that isn't necessarily a big deal, but big enough that I will hopefully notice the good.

I never have been a good one for making a resolution and sticking to it. But maybe if it seems inconsequential, I can actually accomplish it... Well, we shall give it a try and see, if nothing else, it will simply fall again to the wayside and be yet another thing I flopped at. But perhaps it will be successful and a push to show I can accomplish something and make a change.

Heartache, S.A.D., and Pulling Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps...

I haven't blogged in so long, it's almost as though I've forgotten how... I feel the same way about writing in my journal. Either way, I had an urge to sit down and write some stuff out, to see if it would help me put a focus on how I have been feeling.

I should have checked to see when my last blog post actually was, to kind of fill in what has happened since then. But I didn't, oops... Hang on, BRB;

I'm baa-aack...

So, I did post that my sweetheart passed away. That's good, at least that is documented, and I tried to do a gratitude thing, that lasted a short time, LOL, so, now... I am just gonna get some stuff out, feel free to skip any of this if you are bored.

I had no idea that being a widow would be so hard. I had no idea that I would miss James so very much. I've seen other people grieving, having a hard time, and felt bad for them, but, I never would have thought I would have such a difficult time. Even if someone had sat me down, told me, made sure I was comprehending how difficult it was going to be would I have necessarily believed it would be so hard.

Now, I have to point out that I live with depression (if not a mild case of bi-polar). I take medication, I try to be good at it, but sometimes I am a total slacker about taking it. I also have Seasonal Affectation Disorder (S.A.D.), so winter months are even more difficult for me. That being said, piling grief on top of that, my second set of holidays being far more difficult than the first set without James here, and now seeing my store go out of business, it's almost more than I can take.

Side note: Archiver's, the scrapbooking and paper craft store where I have worked for six years, is going out of business. We knew it was a possibility, the store closing. That didn't help with everything else I was already dealing with, getting through the holidays, the fear of the unknown. But finding out for sure that it was the end of Archiver's, on New Year's Day, no less, well, it's no wonder I feel like sitting and just flat out crying, all of the time. It's also quite amazing I haven't completely gone off the deep end.

So, between actual physical illness, mental illness (ha ha), day-to-day living, traumas (no how big or small) I've had it in some ways. I joke that I am the happiest depressed person I know, but the last few weeks have been rough. As much as I try to keep on the happy face and keep positive, it feels like it is getting harder and harder. Thoughts creep into my head that I hate to even admit to having, but there they are. So, I have thoughts about an end, about hurting myself, about not existing... I have never acted on these thoughts, although they make me very sad and they tend to bring me down even more. I tell Satan to get out of my head, that he is not welcome there. I have faith, I do, but somedays, I just feel lost...

I am trying to make a difference for myself. There are some people who tell me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and carry on, that tends to make me feel worse as well. Then I spend days when I don't work in bed, with Foster, watching TV. That in turn makes me feel worse because I didn't get anything constructive done. So, I have this vicious cycle of self-loathing, no self-esteem, depression, sadness, pain, etc.

I thought if I wrote out a bunch of this, it would help me get some things into perspective, maybe even figure out why I feel like I want to sit and cry. It is so crazy to have this feeling, and not be able to pinpoint why.

I want to just shout like Stewie from Family Guy "I don't like change!" Because it's true, but I keep telling myself, this is the kick in the pants I need to do something different. I have loved working at Archiver's, it is the longest job I have ever had. These girls are like my family. I have so many friends I have made while working there, customers whom I love dearly! They've seen me through all the hard stuff, breast cancer and treatment, James's illness and passing, the aftermath of grief. What am I going to do? That's the question everybody asks me too, what are you going to do? I wish I knew. I have some ideas, I have some hopes and wishes, but honestly I wish I knew.

Just know, depression is not something you can just snap out of, try as you might, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Trust me I would have done it long ago if that were the case. My brain is wired funny. I takes meds to help rewire it and make things run smoothly. Perhaps it is time to change meds again, although I have no idea what I would try, because I've been on all of them it seems. The one I am on right now, it's working, it would work better if I didn't forget sometimes, or if I took it at the same time everyday, but I am still me, and sometimes I am lucky to have my head attached. I will still smile, even if I want to cry, I will still curl up in bed with Foster rather than vacuum or do dishes.

I do want my crafty back, I am hoping it will help me with some potential income, teaching classes or holding events. I have some cakes in my future, some more immediate than others, but that helps with the crafty. I have gotten things accomplished, but have more to do. I need to celebrate my accomplishments no matter how small, like getting the trash cans out to the curb for the trash pick-up. I need to quit beating myself up for not getting things done, because it just makes me feel worse, and then even less gets done.

I do know, I could be doing a lot worse were it not for others who think about me, pray for me, send me good vibes and positive thoughts... Were it not for the caring and compassion of others, I would be far worse off. Thank you to those that do, I appreciate it more than you know.

Day five: a Place

At first, I wasn't totally sure what to put for a place... And then it came to me...

What place do I love?

What place do I want to be?

What place has my heart?

What place shaped me?

Can you answer these questions?

Well, if not I will tell you anyway...

WYOMING

Yeppers, my HOME state!

2001 Official State Map of Wyoming

The thing is, it kinda encompasses a lot of little places that mean so much to me. 

• I was born in Casper... 
• I lived in Mills, right by where the Mormon Ferry was run at Fort Caspar. 
• I loved going to Grammy and Papa's house in LaGrange. 
• I loved to stop at Fort Laramie and see the old historical site.
• My daddy took me fishing at Alcova Reservoir, and Pathfinder Reservoir.
• We moved to Laramie, that is where I met my sweetheart, James.
• I had family all over the state.
• I have family all over the state now...
• And some of my favorite people live there...

I am so very grateful to this place. It shaped me. It calls to me. I miss my state. I will always be grateful  for meeting my love there. I want to go back. I want to be near my nieces and nephews since I do not have any children of my own. I crave the love they give me... Someday soon...

Day four: a favorite snack

This is not an entirely easy one to post about... I L-O-V-E food! I love to eat! I have some major favorites, but I have my old standbys too. I picked two things for this day... Let's just say I am grateful to live in a free country where I can generally find these items...

Maybe this one is more snack,just baked out of the oven, but I also like the cold leftover, outta the fridge, no reheating... Dunno why, but I love it. And this has been my favorite kind since I was a kid...

Yep, Tombstone Canadian Bacon Pizza... It is my absolute favorite, even better than restaurant. It's hard to come by sometimes though, so I am always happy when I find it. And ever grateful that there are other toppings to pizza BESIDES pepperoni.

One of my other favorites (again since childhood--and even since having worked at DQ) is the Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen... I love them, the fudge, the Spanish peanuts, the fluffy ice cream.... I am drooling just thinking about it... And even after working at DQ for a while and making these, I am not sick of them... I just love them...

I am grateful I don't have food allergies and maybe these are not the healthiest of treats/snacks/food whatever... But I am grateful when I can indulge in these...

Day three: a cozy place in your home

Well, if you know me, you will know that my favorite place to be at home is in bed... Mom says I could sleep my life away, or sleep through the end of the world, whichever, I am good.

I would like a new mattress I think, but really, I love my bed.

I can sit on it and do things.

I can sleep on it.

I can cuddle with my Foster on it. 

I have my animals on it.

I watch TV from it.

I have crafted on it.

I have read while on or in it.

I stack stuff on it.

I have memories of cuddling with my Jamus on it.

I dream while sleeping in it. This includes dreams of my Jamus.

And right now it has the sweetest bedding set on it, Wyoming Cowboys!!!! (WOOT, they even beat the CSU Rams today and kept the Boot---oh coveted boot from the "Border War").

The only other place I might consider cozy right now might be my chair, or J's chair... And right now I cannot sit in either... So cozy bed it is... (Pix to follow).

Day two: an animal

It would be to everyone's displeasure if I didn't put my little dog here, right?

Can I put more than one?

Wait, what's that?

This is my blog.

OH YEAH!!!

Then I CAN put more than one!

HOORAY!!!!!

The first dog in my life was Punkin. Mom got her as a puppy while she was pregnant with me. I grew up with Punkin. She and I hid together during thunderstorms. She was very protective of her family, this meant her mom and her kids mostly.

We had to let Grandpa Bob put Punkin down when I was 14. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. She was a sibling, even if she was furry.

I also had Little Bit and Puppy that I grew up with... But they were Grandma and Grandpa's (technically Puppy was mom's, but he lived at Grandma's house).

Later, the summer after I graduated from high school, we got Rascal. Again, a sibling for me. Rascal, he was one of a kind, after he was made, they broke the mold. All the great times with Rascal make me happy. I am glad James got to be with him at the end of his time, and now I am certain Rascal is with James, doing whatever work has to be done.

Can I come in?

This is my baby and I love him

James and Rascal

That brings me to my four-year-old, Foster. Foster McShadow was acquired in July of 2008. He was his daddy's pride and joy. He can also be a momma's boy (and we are especially grateful he had his grandma during important formative times, or he would be very ill-mannered (he has traits I would like to get rid of).

Baby Foster

What's that?

Puppy loves his mommy

Grandma, I am not on the couch, I am on my daddy...

snuggled in bed

Rug-o-war with dad

Concentrating on the ball

I also have Kini (short for Illukini). Kini is my brother, Dale's, dog. Dale, Cindy, J2 and Shinook are in Korea and should be home in January or February, I think. Kini has been here with me since they went almost three years ago. Sometimes I feel like he gets neglected more than he should. But he is ever loving and sweet to me. I often call him Kini-beaners or just Beaners, or Bean-Bean... Foster and Kini cannot be together in the house. But they still wanna be together sometimes, and one often gets jealous of the other.

 

Cuddles with Aunt B

laying with Aunt B

Aunt B, I'm sleepin' here

Uncle Jimmy's O2 hose is caught on my nose...

Cone of Shame :(

The biggest reason I am so thankful for the dogs, is they have taught me unconditional love. I am especially grateful for Foster and Kini these last several months, because, had I not had to get up outta bed to let them out and let them in, and feed them and water them, well, there are days I would never have gotten out of bed. They've been my rescuers so to speak.

Sometimes I do think life might be easier without them, but it would be far emptier. I also know that sometimes I think James communicates to me through Foster and Kini. Foster always brings me his ball when I cry, for there is no crying in baseBALL. But he gives me loves and shows me he needs me but not only that, I also need him.

So, my dogs, those are the animals I am thankful for.

Day One: a person

So, today is day one, I am going to choose ONE person that I am thankful for... And darn it if mom didn't try to show me up on fb by posting hers... Figures, ;P

But, I wanna post pix too...

But I cannot get an actual photo of this person, but I can get a photo of a picture of this person.

I took a picture of my calendar. This is the Savior hugging his mother. Now, this was the photo for May, the month James died. And when I got home, and I saw it, it made me think about the Savior and myself. I imagined the Savior having His arms wrapped around me, comforting me. It was almost too much... But that thought has stayed with me.

There have been so many times in the last five months, where I have felt the Savior with me. He has comforted me, He has shared my sorrows. I know He was there to take James home. I felt him behind me in the early morning hours when Sheldon gave James a blessing. Yes, I knew the Savior was with us. I knew J's time was short then. I knew the Savior would be there to take him home. I know the conversation they may have had. James would have thanked Him for being there for him in his dimmest hours. James would have thanked the Savior for standing up for him against Satan.

Yes, I am extremely grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am thankful He and the Lord have watched out for me. I've been dealing with a lot of grief the last several weeks, but I am grateful. I could have had to deal with emotional pain and grief when I was also dealing with physical pain, when I ended up having to have my gall bladder out. I think back and cannot imagine having to deal with both. I know I have more to do, more to go through, more to learn, and more to grow. But I know, I can lean on the Savior, I have to just remember that. Sometimes I forget. And sometimes I am a slow learner (like knowing that I do have a strong spirit, for if not, I would be a puddle on the floor). But the Savior, He knows me and He knows that I will always return to Him.

(Photo is one I took with my phone of my calendar of art by Liz Lemon-Swindle).

30 Days of Thanks

A friend of mine posted a photo on fb about this project. I decided I wanted to participate.

 

I know the picture isn't very large, but I shall TELL you what it says...

30 Days of Thanks

One thing to be thankful for, every day in November

This November, take the time, every day, to reflect on something you're thankful for. Capture your thankfulness with a photograph, a blog post, a tweet, or in your journal. If you'd like to share, go to designerwife.com and link up your post on the 30 Days of Thanks page. (Trying to find the right link so you can just click and go there if you like).

1. a person

2. an animal

3. a cozy place in your home

4. a favorite snack

5. a place

6. a pair of shoes

7. a scent

8. a restaurant

9. a blog

10. a time of day

11. a tradition

12. a gadget

13. something old

14. something new

15. a recipe

16. an experience

17. a store

18. a saying/quote/scripture

19. a favorite piece of clothing

20. a keepsake

21. a disappointment or fear

22. a book

23. a feeling

24. a photograph

25. a luxury

27. a song

28. a gift

29. something in your home

30. the thing you are most thankful for

So, that is it... Thirty things to be thankful for, one a day every day for the month of November... I am gonna try to do it... Every Day.

So, look for my next post for Day One.

My sweet Jamus' Passing

James Steven Dumler

December 5, 1974 – May 25, 2012

After a valiant, lifelong fight with Cystic Fibrosis, James Steven Dumler was
taken home to live with his Savior and those who have passed before him.

James was born December 5, 1974 in Laramie, Wyoming to Cheryl
(Hawley) and Cecil Dumler. Due to health reasons, which were diagnosed
in late infancy as CF, he was cared for and reared by his maternal
grandparents. This led to him calling his Grandma and Grandpa While,
Mom and Dad. When the severity of his CF was completely diagnosed,
it was determined the family should move to a better climate, Arizona, in
hopes of prolonging his health.

He spent his elementary years and some of his junior high years in the
Mesa/Phoenix/Tempe, Arizona areas. It was here where he and his dad
forged their lifelong love of the Chicago Cubs (Cubs hold spring training
there).

In his junior high years they returned to Laramie, Wyoming; as James’
health had not progressed as his parents had hoped and better
employment, with better health benefits, still waited there for his dad. It
was during, this time period, eighth grade, that James would meet his
eternal sweetheart, B-Jo (Bonita Jo) Laing.

James graduated from Laramie High School in 1993. He participated
on the boys swim team, swimming the 500 meter. Swimming helped his
health and strengthened his lungs, which may have help to prolong his life;
the life that his doctors said would end before graduating from high school.
James was an excellent and competitive swimmer, winning at meets
and eventually lettering in the sport. After high school, he attended one
semester at Laramie County Community College in Cheyenne, Wyoming,
however due to health concerns, he was unable to return and complete his
higher education, at that time.

In 1996, James and B-Jo were married, June 15th, and they moved to
American Fork, Utah in August. They were later sealed for time and all
eternity in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple on March 17, 2001. James held a
number of different jobs throughout his life, but the majority of his working
years were spent in retail sales of automotive parts. He also served for
a few years as an assistant swim coach for American Fork and Lone
Peak High Schools teams. His girls’ team from LPHS took the State
Championship their first two years.

In 2008, James decided he wanted to continue his higher education. He
sought a program where he could pursue a degree in Military History, with
emphasis on history of the U.S. Navy. James’ family had a long history of
being Navy men and not having been able to join the Navy had been very
disappointing to him and he believed this was a way for him to fulfill his
dream. James was working toward a Bachelor’s degree, but as his health
began to decline, and he opted to apply for an Associate’s Degree. He
received his degree from American Military University in November 2011.
B-Jo and James were never able to have children, so they adopted a sweet
puppy in 2008; a black Lab/Australian Blue Heeler mix. They named him
Foster. He has been James’ pride and joy. They shared a precious bond
and still very much do.

James was preceded in death by parents (grand,) Robert and Patricia
While; grandfather, Elmer Dumler; great-grandfather, Donald Riley; his
beloved Grandma Mimi; and grandpa-in-law, Robert Laycock.

James is survived by his wife of almost 16 years (they’ve known each other
24 years), B-Jo and his buddy, Foster. He is also survived by his biological
mother, Cheryl (Dale) Bourquin, of Rupert, Idaho; estranged father, Cecil
Dumler, of Laramie, Wyoming; brother, Billy (Sirrena) Emler, of Rupert, ID;
sister, Tabitha Emler, of Laramie, WY; brother, JD(Brandi) Emler, of Boise
ID; aunt, Gail (Harlan) Rigsby, of Searcy, Arkansas; aunt, Sue(Ricky) Tate,
of Searcy, AR; uncle, Roy (Cheri) While, of Gardner, Kansas; uncle, Terry
While, of Phoenix, Arizona; and uncle, Jeff While, of St. Louis, Missouri.

Additionally he is survived by nephews, Ty Rubeling; Austin, Tristan,
James, and Christian Emler; Travis Beecher; Shaun Duden; nieces,
Makayla and Neveah Emler; Aryanna Duden; and great-niece, Chastity
Rubeling.; grandmother, Bonnie Dumler, of Laramie, WY; grandmother,
Maxine Riley-Morey, of Adrian, Missouri; as well as other extended family.

He will be especially missed by surviving members of his wife’s family
including: Susan and Jim Hunter (mother, step-father), of LaGrange,
WY; Carolyn and Wayne Laing (step-mother and father), of Casper, WY;
Robert (brother) and Teresa Laing, of Pinedale, WY; Josh (brother) and
Lindsey Hunter, of Boise, ID; Dale (brother) and Cindy Hunter, currently
stationed in South Korea; Ben (brother) and Camie Hunter, of Taylorsville,
UT; Roland (brother) and Susie Jones, currently stationed in Tucson, AZ;
and Daryl (brother) and Rachel Peay, of Pocatello, ID. This also includes:
nephews: Jordan, RJ, Zach, J2, Shinook, Aaron, Ray and Tommy; nieces,
Alanna, Laura, Mary Bonita, Eliza, Annie, Donna, Lydia, and Mackenzie;
grandmothers, Donna Laycock, of LaGrange, WY and Juanita Laing, of
Casper, WY; and ‘nephew dog’, Kini, currently living with B-Jo. He is also
survived by numerous other extended family members and loving friends
who are closer than family. All will miss him dearly.

His last labored breaths were on Friday, May 25, 2012 at 10:30 am at
University of Utah Medical Center in Salt Lake City, Utah, where James
had many loving and compassionate caregivers. B-Jo held his hand as he
crossed the veil. Cremation has been done by Aspen Funeral Services in
Sandy, Utah.

Services for James will be held on Saturday, June 16, 2012 at 1:00 PM. This
Celebration of Life for James will take place at the LDS Chapel located at
507 W 700 N American Fork, UT 84003. There will be a luncheon to follow
the services.

Condolences can be made to B-Jo, Foster, and the family through the
website here or by mailing to 580 N 420 W American Fork, UT 84003-1124.

Life in Perspective

In 1988-89 I was a seventh grader in Laramie, Wyoming.  Now there were other kids who were also twelve and thirteen years old and seventh graders as well, but somehow, in certain instances I felt like I was the only one in my situation.

I had moved from Casper to Laramie and started junior high with a new step-dad all in one fell swoop it seemed.  Being a preteen/teenager, I was also going through changes of other kinds and sometimes that made life very difficult.  Again, I often felt like I was the only one...  Then see me get a lead in a chorus class play and another girl be upset about that.  See me, the new girl trying to make friends, and the jealous girl start calling me names...  Back then, it was hell, but I can look back and see that even though it hurt, maybe she hurt more and that is why she did it?

Now fast forward through the years and there have been a number of instances where I have felt like no one could possibly know how I feel or what I am going through...  I again feel all alone in my experiences and try to hide my true feelings behind the "I'm fine/good/okay/Life is good" so no one really knows the truth.

That brings me to the last little while, two years ago I was going through cancer treatments, chemo every three weeks, losing my hair in the cold of winter, and wondering what to do about a reconstructive breast surgery.  Then the last several months of having my J in the hospital more than he has been home, watching him lose oxygen and not be able to breathe and being awakened by early morning phone calls telling me he is not doing well and can I get to the hospital right away?  Wondering is he is going to live, albeit a poor quality of life, or if he is going to suffer until he finally passes.  To yesterday when I find that someone I've known from ages ago was in so much pain that she chose to leave this life.  My heart hurts for the family, specifically the daughters she left behind.  I am reminded by the outpouring of love on her facebook page that life is precious and no matter how much you hurt there is likely someone who loves you.

So here I sit and think about the girl who helped alienate me in seventh grade by calling me names.  But now I realize that that may have been a defense mechanism back then to cover her own hurt.  I think about how I am glad we reconnected on fb and tried to heal old hurts and realize we had more similarities than than differences.  I think about how my own depression has plagued me and realize I am on the right track to make sure I do not make similar choices.

I am heartbroken, for her, for her daughters, for her family, for me.  I want to try to be safe, to be whole, to heal.  I hope that I can feel the comfort and peace that perhaps she was missing.  I am often frightened of what point one must reach to finally choose suicide to living in pain.  I have told a few people about the pictures or movies I see in my head.  It's the only way I can explain it.  But I see myself harming myself in these 'movies' and it truly scares me.  I often believe it is Satan, pushing my buttons, hitting all my weak spots...

Yesterday's revelation about my friend, not just finding out about her death, but seeing the outpouring of love made me reaffirm that I want to be healthy, I want to not hurt myself, but I especially do not want to hurt others.

Please, if you read this, and you can see some of yourself in this message, talk to someone, anyone, find help, talk to a doctor, talk to a friend, talk to a church member, talk to someone...  Know that you are not alone, no matter how hard everything seems, no matter how dismal the outlook is and how ending it seems preferable, think about whom you might be leaving behind and how much it might hurt them.  Then perhaps your hurt might not seem so bad.

Learning about Palliative and Hospice Care

On Monday, James and I met with a couple of ladies with Palliative Care.  Holli is a nurse practitioner and Paula is a social worker.  They helped me to understand what we will likely be facing in the next little while.  They explained that palliative care focuses on quality of life.  There is still the option of seeing the doctor or going to the hospital if needed.  James has complete control over the decision of when to enter hospice care.

Hospice care will essentially help to care for him for the last six months of his life (roughly).  They use a scale of 0-10 to help determine how his quality of life is, with 0 being the best and 10 being the worst ever.  Last week he told Holli that he was probably at a 7, on Monday he said he was maybe at 6.  But Holli and Paula helped me to understand that it is not a matter of whether he is fighting to live or whether he is giving up, palliative care helps to focus on goals.  He is simply working toward a different set of goals right now.

One of his goals is to be able to spend Christmas with Bob and Teresa's family in Pinedale.  He really wants to have a fun Christmas with the kids.  Another of his goals is rebaptism.  We do not have a definitive timeline on that right now, but it is something he is working toward.

I did ask him to try and not die on my birthday...  I like my birthday, I don't want a reason to not like it, it helps me get through the winter, having something like that happen would make me sad and not like it.  I did realize though that if it happened, I could live with it.  I might not like it, but I would live.

At any rate, his prognosis currently is as such: they had started a different antibiotic for him, it is a lot slower acting than many of the other options, but he is allergic to all of those other options.  It does seem to be making some improvement, but it is slow.  He has had some trouble with his gastrointestinal system.  Seems to have stuff not moving well through his system.  His stomach feels overly full and that increases his trouble with breathing.  He has been taking miralax and they tried to get him to drink golytely, but he just could not choke that stuff down.  He has had some relief but not enough to really feel better from that.

With any luck, he may get to come home on Thursday (tomorrow) but we are kind of playing it by ear.  They want to be sure they have machines for him to use here at home, as well as all of the proper medication.  They will keep him at the hospital until they can make sure he will have everything he needs here at home.  He gets lonely, and he misses me and Foster, we'd go up more frequently if gas prices weren't so high and we could afford it.

Holli and Paula are going to meet with us again tomorrow at one'o'clock to talk some more.  I do not feel like I am in despair.  I do worry for James, I do not want him to have to suffer, I feel like he has suffered enough and I just want him to be as comfortable as possible and not have to linger for longer than necessary.

I have always known his wishes, he does not wish to be intubated (have a tube put down his throat to help him breathe).  He does not wish to be resuscitated if he were to die or quit breathing.  He has never wanted to be placed on a list for possible lung transplant, and at this point if he were to change his mind, it would likely be too late.  I have had 15 years of marriage and 22 years of knowing him to come to terms with these things, and that is fine.  It has taken years of going through almost a grief process to come to terms with some of these things, and that is okay.  I am at peace with whatever may happen.

We haven't always had an easy go of things, but I have enjoyed the time I have had with my Jamus.  I have my moments sometimes I am fine, other moments I fall apart, but that is okay too.  Paula explained I was likely going through some pre-grief, I was like no kidding...  I do feel like I am grieving his death before he has died, but I am preparing myself.  Some people don't have the opportunity to prepare for such things.  I consider myself blesses to have the opportunity to not be shocked or traumatized by a sudden death.  My beliefs help me to know that I will see my J again, and that helps to ease the pain.

Holli explained too that CF patients are lucky in a way to be able to partially orchestrate the last time of their lives.  They have some control, some options, they can make choices so that they and those they love can be saved from some end of life things that other people cannot do.  I hope I do not sound morbid, I am not meaning to, I just know that this has always been at the center of our marriage.  James' ultimate demise has been the center of his life, his whole life.  Sometimes it is hard to live when you are continually told you are going to die.  I think J did a pretty good job considering.  He has things he wishes he could have done in his life, both in and out of his control, but overall, I believe he has lead a pretty good life.  Sure he has regrets, but honestly who doesn't.

I know I can say for both of us, we are so especially grateful to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers, who've fasted for us, or placed our name on prayer rolls.  I maintain that were it not for prayers of everyone on my behalf, I would not be upright.  While I know J often still doesn't feel well, he has shown some improvement and we have been educated on what to expect in the coming weeks and months.  In between hospital visits I asked him how long he thought he had, he said maybe a year.  Although it was a sad moment, it helped both of us to mentally prepare for what we are facing.

We would like to ask that if you have it in you to keep praying for us, please do.  If you can keep your thoughts turned to God's will and acceptance of His will, that will help all of us.  I will try to better and keep people updated, but sometimes it feels like it changes minute to minute or that I don't have anything new to report, so forgive me if I don't always give an update.

Thank you all again, B and J

Remembering truths and learning to 'Cowboy Up!'

The following is from my Spotlight post from Lifting Hearts (formerly Sister Survivors).  As I was sitting here tonight, not being able to sleep, I was reading the other spotlight posts and felt like I needed to reread my own interview.  I am glad I did, I needed to be reminded of truths I know, but that I have pushed to far reaches of my mind.  Satan is a wily guy and he tries so hard...  He knows just which of my buttons to push and I have been letting him...  I need to regroup and "cowboy up" (I am a Wyoming girl after all).  This is to a new start, to new reaches and to kicking his butt to kingdom come!!!

March Spotlight - B-Jo Laing-Dumler

Our March spotlight is B-Jo Laing-Dumler. B-Jo has been part of our group since the beginning. She is a talented, happy person, and since she will be helping us out with a few thing over the next 6 months, I thought it would be fun to get to know her a little bit better. Enjoy the interview!

SISTER SURVIVORS: "What were you diagnosed with, and what treatments did you have? Who were your doctors?"

B-JO: "I was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer, I had two types, ductal and invasive. I am also HER2+. I had a mastectomy on Dec 2, 2009, port implant Dec 28, 2009 and first round of chemo Dec 29, 2009. I did four rounds of chemo; Cytoxin and Taxotere, along with Herceptin. I did the Herceptin treatments for a year (actually it went longer than a year, my last one of those was Feb 15, 2011). I had my tissue expander placed in July, (the 22nd, I believe) and the rest of my reconstruction was postponed from October, but is happening March 10th. I also get to have my port removed--wa-hoo!!!!! So, I am almost at the end, I am so excited. I had Dr. Tittensor, whom I believe truly saved my life. If she hadn't been such a caring doctor, willing to treat despite the lack of insurance and willing to remove an infectious growth from my breast, I might not have found out about the cancer until it was too late. She also performed my mastectomy and my port placement. Dr. Wendy Breyer is my oncologist. I did all of my chemo treatments at IV therapy at AF hospital, but I was able to do some of my Herceptin treatments at the cancer clinic next door. Dr. Bishop will be doing my reconstruction, he has taken exceptional care of me.

SISTER SURVIVORS: "How did your cancer diagnosis affect your family and friends?"

B-JO: "It was hardest on my husband, he had lost his parents earlier in the year, his mother (actually grandmother, but his grandparents raised him so he thinks of them as mom and dad) passed in April 2009 and his dad in July 2009. The day I found out (November 17) I called to tell him about my visit and he was kind of being a jerk to me on the phone, so instead of being nice I just told him I had cancer and how did he like that. One of us hung up on the other, but I do not recall which. When I finally convinced him I was not dying he did a little better. I think it was really hard, cause he is the one who is sick and has to go to the hospital, not me, so seeing me this way was really hard for him. Most of my friends and family rallied for me, and in a way, it has made me a stronger person, although, I have noticed when people tell me how much they admire me and my strength, it is usually when I am feeling at my weakest. I have also made so many new friends in the club we did not ask to be a part of, but is exclusive to us. I know that much of my strength comes from those who have prayed on my behalf, if not for that I would not have made it."

SISTER SURVIVORS: "What was the hardest thing you had to go through during your cancer journey? What helped get you through it?"

B-JO: "I am currently going through some of my most difficult right now. As hard as it was to be diagnosed, as hard as chemo was, it wasn't nearly as awful as I thought, as hard as other moments have been. Recently I have been dealing with anxiety and depression and a little feeling of worthlessness. I keep telling Satan to get out of my head, but I was diagnosed with depression ten years ago and have been off on medication that time. I am currently on meds, but winter is always harder for me than any other time of year. I think last year I had to focus all my energies on getting through chemo and that helped to distract me. This year, there has been uncertainty, and it has been more difficult, my husband's health is getting worse too, and that plays a roll as well."

SISTER SURVIVORS: "How did your cancer diagnosis change your life?"

B-JO: "My mom had always told my brother and I while we were growing up, that cancer wasn't so much an 'if' but a 'when'. We had too much familial history of different kinds of cancers. And while I may not have an immediate or direct family history of breast cancer it is still a possibility. I can remember being in my early twenties and hearing of a girl my age being diagnosed and worrying that it might happen to me. Actually having cancer and having it caught early on, it made me realize the Lord has his own plans and I am blessed to have my life. There is a plan for me and I have something to accomplish in this life."

SISTER SURVIVORS: "What did you learn during your cancer journey?"

B-JO: "I am capable of a lot more than I thought, and while things may seem bad for me, there is a chance that someone is worse off. While I knew this before, it was reiterated time and time again. Also, one very big lesson, I am loved and I am worth something to someone somewhere.

SISTER SURVIVORS: "What have you changed as a result of your cancer diagnosis?"

B-JO: "Not as much as I feel I should, in fact there are some areas where I feel like I have backslid somewhat. There are things I want to change, but I am not sure if it is fear or laziness that is stopping me. I do feel like after my surgery, I am having a new start again, so, I hope to make some big changes, but in little steps.

SISTER SURVIVORS: "Do you have a favorite book, quote, or song that became meaningful to you during your cancer journey?"

B-JO: :I'm not sure if there is one thing. I know that I will sometimes hear a song or see a show, that I had heard or seen before, and it will hit me just a little differently. I am still the same B-Jo, I am learning and growing all the time. Whether it is going forward or back is up to me and I have done both, even after diagnosis. But please remember, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I can cry at the drop of a hat. I cannot watch animal movies, and almost every time I see the flag or hear the National Anthem, I cry, from pride, from sorrow for those who have given their lives, over babies born, over death. I am a crybaby, but I probably would not have me any other way."

SISTER SURVIVORS: "What advice would you give to a woman who is newly diagnosed with breast cancer?"

B-JO: "If you need to cry, do it. If you have questions, research or ask someone, don't blindly follow what they tell you. Trust your instincts, and somebody somewhere is likely worse off than you are. Don't wish this on anyone, but don't feel like you won't make it through yourself. You are strong, there is hope, and God will care for you no matter what."

SISTER SURVIVORS: "What advice would you give to friends and family of a newly diagnosed breast cancer patient?"

B-JO: "If she says she want to eat something crazy, let her. If she's tired, let her rest. If she needs to cry, be her shoulder. If she needs to vent, be her ear. If she cannot stand the smell of something, don't use it around her, or get it out of the house. If she says she cannot, tell her she can!"

SISTER SURVIVORS: "Finish this sentence… “I am a…”

B-JO: "...a child of God, a daughter, an aunt, a woman, a friend, I am sensitive, emotional, caring, eclectic, funny, weird, but I am a survivor and I will go on!"

Memorial Day--More than just dying

So, it is Memorial Day weekend, and while prepared to support those who have lost their live in service to our country, we also remember our ancestors, family, and friends who've passed before us.  I was realizing this is the first Memorial Day that my Grandpa Bob was gone and I was trying to determine a good way to honor his memory.  I remember going with him and Grandma Donna to decorate graves as part of our Memorial Day remembrances.  I also went with Grammy Hellie and Papa Joe.  I did not always know who's all grave we were visiting, but they would tel me and I would listen.

However, I was not prepared for the loss of a beautiful young life.  The Harris family lost their Bradley Michael today.  All I know was that he and his father, Craig, were involved in a motorcycle crash, and Michael, he didn't make it.  I think after we came back, I was able to watch Michael once, maybe...  But I was a nanny to his older siblings, Brian, Brooke, Lynnie, and Brianna.  I love these kids, they aren't so little anymore and now a portion of them has been ripped away from them.  I am trying to be more positive about things, like Michael's mission in this life was over and Heavenly Father has something important for him to do on the other side, but he was 14, turning 15 in June...  He was so young, was there really stuff more important, couldn't he have stayed with us just a bit longer? I have to remember the Lord knows His plan, and we have to abide by His plan, not the other way around.  Someday we may comprehend, but sometimes I struggle to go by faith.

As I sit here, pondering Michael's passing, watching music videos that are patriotic and especially supportive of our military men and women, I am still uncertain...  I do feel the need to express gratitude.

I am grateful to have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, and while I may stumble from time to time, I am certain it is truth.  I am also grateful to a Savior who is there to help me when I do stumble.  I am grateful the Harris family also has the Gospel and they are sealed for time and all eternity.  They are an eternal family and will be together again someday.  I am grateful for the many men and women who offer themselves in the name of our country, too many have paid the ultimate price, and too few of us express our thanks.  I am grateful for ancestors who sacrificed, who lived, who made this a great country.  I am thankful for parents, grandparents, and other family members who have been an example to me.  My words will never be enough.  I am especially grateful to a brother in the Army, a brother in law enforcement, an almost-brother in the Air Force, and for a husband who has shown me the importance of willingness to serve and how important service men and women are.  To my examples, to my family, to my Lord, I am grateful.

I ask that thoughts and prayers be with the Harris family at their time of loss.  I ask that we all remember our military, to thank them for their service, both in the past, currently and in the future.  I ask that we thank God everyday that we live in these United States and we do our best to uphold His virtues and remain united.

America the Beautiful

Words by Katharine Lee Bates,
Melody by Samuel Ward

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for pilgrim feet
Whose stern impassioned stress
A thoroughfare of freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America!
God mend thine every flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Thy liberty in law!

O beautiful for heroes proved
In liberating strife.
Who more than self their country loved
And mercy more than life!
America! America!
May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness
And every gain divine!

O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for halcyon skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the enameled plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till souls wax fair as earth and air
And music-hearted sea!

O beautiful for pilgrims feet,
Whose stem impassioned stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till paths be wrought through
wilds of thought
By pilgrim foot and knee!

O beautiful for glory-tale
Of liberating strife
When once and twice,
for man's avail
Men lavished precious life!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till selfish gain no longer stain
The banner of the free!

O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till nobler men keep once again
Thy whiter jubilee! 

Last Meals?

Made dinner for James tonight.  He likes stuffed bell peppers.  

Now it starts before this, I took two pounds of ground beef and one pound of ground sausage and brown them.  I chopped an onion and crushed and minced some garlic and cooked with the ground beef mixture.  I then divided this mixture into three parts.  

One part was used in a yummy chunky vegetable marinara sauce for spaghetti last week.  Green pepper chunks, mushrooms, zucchini pieces, diced tomatoes, oh that was good spaghetti.

The second part is what I used tonight to make the peppers.  So, ground beef mixture, I reheated in frying pan.  I had cooked a package of white rice--almost like sticky rice the way it turned out--Cindy might be proud...  After the meat mixture had heated, I stirred in some of the rice, stirred and let it cook some with the meat.  I then chopped fresh tomatoes and stirred those into the meat mixture.  I added some coarse ground pepper and seasoned salt.  I also squeezed in prepared mustard and then stirred in some shredded cheese.  At this point I turned off the heat.

On a foil covered sheet pan, I sprayed some pan release (think Pam) and then I stuffed six green pepper halves with my meat/rice mix.  Put those in a preheated 350º F oven and let them bake for 30 minutes.

I am not sure if James ate three or four, but he said they were yummy!  And he also went on about being spoiled recently by my cooking.  I mean, last week the spaghetti sauce sent him reeling--he loved it.  Then I took a pork roast, cut into steaks/chops, made my own Shake'n'Bake--except I fried them in some oil on the stove top.  Even I really like those and was well pleased with my panko breaded chops...

He asked me if he was dying and these were his last meals.  He said he knew he was dying if I made him his Swiss Steak that he likes made with Alphabet soup (how his mom made it) with mashed potatoes...  Just gotta work in some things I like too.  I've been thinking about taco salad for about a week and a half now--or tacos, or something, well, I guess it was tacos first and then it was taco salad when I read a comment on Susie's fb status...

I am not planning on killing him off and I don't mind cooking, I just hate the clean up and I prefer to have the TV where I can watch/listen while I am doing...  I blame mom for leaving the TV on while I napped...  TV is my woobie, I guess.

Now that I am completely off where I started...  I'll be working on cake the next couple of days too...  And maybe some cookies, we'll see...

Tasting Event

On May 20th and 21st, I will be hosting a Tasting Event for my Alison's Pantry business.  Along with my AP products, several friends will also be participating with their own independent businesses.  A mini-fair or boutique if you will...

As part of the event, there will also be a fund-raiser to help with the remaining balance of my reconstructive surgery (the part medicaid DID NOT cover).  I hope you will join us and be willing to contribute.  Any contributions beyond what is necessary will go to support other breast cancer survivors, FYI.

Keep watching for more information...

I did not realize...

Somehow I guess I did not realize I had not posted since grandpa actually passed away...  Holy cow!  Well, I am here today with an update about me and everything...

I saw Dr. Breyer yesterday, she is my oncologist.  I was actually hoping she would tell me that today was my last Herceptin treatment, no such luck.  But, it is close to the end.  They have been giving me my treatments in does of three, so today when I go I will receive doses 46, 47, and 48...  When I go again in three weeks, I will receive doses 49, 50, and 51.  Then a week after that I will go for dose 52...  That makes my year.  I was curious, why so long, so I did some back tracking with my calendar to figure out why it came out this way...  Somewhere someone goofed, and must not have been giving me three doses at a time...  I just do not know who or where...

At any rate, I go to have a mammogram on my right side on Thursday, this is just precautionary to make sure all is well.  This one is the kicker, though...  My blood pressure has been steadily increasing and there is some worry about that, so I have to go have my blood pressure checked at my regular physician's office.  I am doing that on Thursday as well, after the mammogram.  Yay for me, NOT.  I must say I am somewhat concerned about this.  I don't want to give up my cheeseburgers, you see, and I am afraid that is what I may get told.  Rude...  I shall keep you posted.

Until next time...

Grandpa Bob, I love you!

Mom called today to let me know Grandpa Bob had finally passed away this morning.  It has been a long time coming and he was suffering and it has been hard on Grandma and Mom too.  I have been praying that Heavenly Father would take him home, but last night, well, maybe I was more fervent, I dunno...  I just didn't want him to suffer anymore in this life, in his frail body that just hasn't been able to do what it needed. 

On the flip side, this is my Grandpa, my buddy.  'Bampa' was my first word.  When I was little Grandpa was probably my biggest hero, EVER!  In fact, if it hadn't been for the fact that my brother was named for him instead, I may never have forgiven my parents for not naming him Burt Reynolds or the Snowman i.e. Smokey and the Bandit movies.

This is the Grandpa that took me to Burger King every weekend, just he and I.  This is the Grandpa that helped me sell Girl Scout Cookies to everyone he knew, which were a lot of people.  This is the grandpa who built me a sandbox, built things for Girl Scouts, PTA carnivals, stuff for our toys, our room, our house.  This is the Grandpa who danced with me while Lawerence Welk was on, with me standing on his feet.  The Grandpa who taught me how to play cards, and how to cheat at playing cards.  Grandpa taught me Cribbage.  Grandpa would let me sit and read National Geographic with him and when I wouldn't touch a page cause it had an icky spider or snake on it or something else that scared me, he would turn the page for me.  This is the Grandpa that helped me learn to ride a bike, roller skate, make stuff.  He would push me in the swing and recite the poem of the same name...

The Swing

How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
River and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside--

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown--
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down!
 

by--Robert Louis Stevenson  

This is the grandpa who would sing to me...

Playmate (come out and play with me)

 

Say, say, oh playmate,
Come out and play with me
And bring your dollies three
Climb up my apple tree

Shout down my rain barrel
Slide down my cellar door
And we'll be jolly friends
Forever more more more more more

Say, say, oh playmate
I cannot play with you
My dolly's got the flu
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

Ain't got no rain barrel
Ain't got no cellar door
But we'll be jolly friends
Forever more more more more more

Words and music by Saxie Dowell

Now mind you, I may not remember the words exactly, and I had to copy them from online, but just seeing the words brings back so many memories.

This is also the grandpa who helped instill a love for Gene Autry and Marty Robbins, I remember one car ride from Casper to LaGrange where we listened to the Marty Robbins 8-track over and over, we sang along the whole way.  Grandpa tried to teach me to whistle, he taught me all kinds of things.  I was his buddy I remember waiting for him to come home from work so I could spend time with him.  I would call him on the phone, even though we lived right next door.  This is the Grandpa who told me stories of how he worked with Paul Bunyan and his Big Blue Ox, Babe.  I loved Grandpa's stories.  There are so many things I love about my Grandpa.  This is the Grandpa who took me to the fair, and let me take all the time I wanted to look at the animals and the displays.  I remember he even rode rides with me, because I just wasn't big enough to go alone.  What an awesome Grandpa.

Yes, Grandpa is my hero, he is just about as close to perfect as can get, at least anyone I have met--for me, he probably comes in real close to my Savior and my Heavenly Father.

Grandpa, I love you, I miss you, I have for a while because I did not make as much time as I should have to see you.  Please see if they will let you watch over me from heaven, in between all the other stuff they have you do.

Love, B

Contest for Band of Sisters

I am trying to win a copy of a book by a friend and sister in my ward.  I get entries for this post, so I am sharing so if you are interested you can see and enter too.  Annette Lyon is an excellent author and I have read a few of her books.  This new one intrigues me, as I have one brother in the Army who has done two tours in Iraq and one adopted-into-the-family brother in the air force who has been to the sandbox numerous times himself.

http://camicheckettsbooks.blogspot.com/2010/03/book-review-and-giveaway-band-of.html

Is the link for the contest.

Check it out!

A Little Brag on My Bro

For the Blue and Gold Banquet in Pinedale, WY this year, they had a bake sale auction.  Each boy in the pack was encouraged to bring something they had helped make.  RJ really wanted Grandma and me to come up and help him make a really cool cake, but we just couldn't get there, and in fact went to see Great-Grandpa instead.  So the Laing household came up with another plan...

Bring in SUPER SCOUT!!!

Teresa baked the cake for them.  They borrowed a pan from Grandma Chris.  And Bob decorated it with RJ's help.  RJ really wanted a super hero, and the pan is a Wilton Superman pan.  They borrowed the decorating supplies, which has led me to determine that I need to gather up some of my excess supplies and make a basic kit for them.  Which I will be doing, however, I'll have to mail it, or bring it up sometime, because even if I did send it back to Grandma's with mom, they may not have room in the car to take it home...

So I just had to brag about how COOL my brother and nephew are and let you see how marvelous the cake they made is...  They did an awesome job, and in case you were wondering, at the auction the cake went for

$85

WOO HOO!!!